Take responsibility. Stop being Victim. That's the slogan that is very popular in the personal development world.
What I am about to write might offend someone, this is not my intention, but I allow your emotions to be what they are and hope you do to :) My intention is to just wake people up to be real with themselves about their choices. You may feel pissed of, or disagree with me, and it's all good and welcome :)
Be responsible. Stop being victim. It sounds awesome. And many people think they do that, and are supper happy about it. They go around life bragging about how awesome they are at it. They own their emotions. They don't blame the world. But there is another level of responsibility people rarely talk about. And that's the most important to me, and the most impactful one.
And that is:
when you want something, but circumstances are in the way (most typical one is your current finances don't let you), what do you do then?
Do you declare what you want and reinvent yourself and transform the physical reality with it to make it happen NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCE? Or do you back down saying: "well, I can't now. Maybe later. When I get some money.", give up on your desire you just had and go about your day, feeling accepting of yourself and being kind to yourself.
I am not saying acceptance and being kind are bad things. Quite the contrary, they are necessary for a successful and harmonious life.
But man…. it make me sad when people do that….. And it angers me when those same people say "I am not a victim, I am being responsible by not overspending".
I am not saying you have to spend money or go into debt…
There is always another way. A win win. A powerful decision, not a weak habitual one.
Before we go there, I'd like to explain further what weak and powerful decisions are.
Decisions people make
Credit to this recent awesome learning go to one of my mentors Jesse Elder.
There are two types of decisions people make: powerful and weak.
Powerful decisions are the ones that bring people closer to what they want in life. They might be the uncomfortable ones at times, but driven by something important. They usually involve a strong intuitive sense, the rightness to them. Intuition comes in the first 3 seconds when the options for the decision are presented. We all know when some decision is right for us. The problem for most people is that after those 3 seconds even if the intuition is very clear, mind kicks in. And very often that includes fear, discomfort, logic etc, and our mind talks us out of it. And another problem is that most people think that's intuition too. And it's not. It's the mind. And the mind's job is to keep us within our comfort zone, keep us "safe". Any decision that will take us out of it will be fought by the mind. And if we are not trained to see it, mind usually wins.
That's the drift of most people. Most people are used to make weak decisions. Easy decisions. Not necessarily aligned with the soul and growth, but rather aligned with comfort and ease.
Now to these two types of decisions we add another dimension: fast and slow.
With that here are the differences between average people and successful people:
Successful people are comfortable with discomfort and welcome it. They know that means they are stretching and growing and have done that many times. Average people avoid it at all costs and only get out of their comfort zone when they absolutely have to.
Successful people trust their intuition and are used to make powerful decisions, and make them fast. That's their default habit. Average people most of the time make weak decisions fast. That's their default habit, and a very expensive one. If they make a powerful decision it's quite rare. And it's usually slow (they gotta think about it, worry about it, sleep on it etc.).
Another thing about intuition that I found to be true in my experience (you are welcome to test it for yourself): intuitive decision never has to make sense or match the logic. But if I trust that intuition comes from my soul, that means it's the decision that is best for me, even if logic doesn't add up. Every time I trust it, it works out for the best and very often magic and synchronicities follow it. If I hear it and ignore it by following the logical mind instead, two things happen:
- intuition becomes more and more silent and less clear in the future.
- somehow in hindsight I discover that intuitive decision was actually a better one after all.
So the obvious recommendation: if you want to be successful, train yourself to listen to your intuition, trust it, and make powerful decisions more often than not, make them fast and stick with them. The more you do it, the easier and more fun it gets, trust me.
Now back to the point of responsibility.
If you want something, and your soul says HELL YES to this thing that you want, but it doesn't fit in your current budget or there are any other obstacles, it is an opportunity for a breakthrough, for growth. An opportunity to declare something and make it happen, even when you may not see the HOW right away. Go create that money and get what you want (that dream vacation, that training program, that mentor). If you've never created that kind of money, even better: an opportunity for even bigger growth.
Imagine what your life would be like, if every time you knew what your soul said HELL YES to, you'd say yes to it and figure out the how. Stretch yourself, become a bigger person who is able to generate it. That to me is true responsibility and not being a victim to circumstances.
Example from personal experience: I am getting so many calls with potential clients that in short go like this: "I am at a turning point, I really want to change my life, and now that we've spoken, I even know that you are the best person to help me make it happen, but I don't have money to pay you so I can't. Maybe later. You are awesome, keep doing what you are doing."
This is a typical example of a fast weak decision.
If you say you want to change your life and you think I can help, even when the money is not there, there might be so many options! The common denominator between those option is a powerful decision: "I want this, therefore I say yes to it and figure out the HOW, in a responsible way".
In an example with hiring a coach that you resonate with (could be apply to any other thing or service that you want) it could play out so many ways:
- Barter. There might be something you have that the coach might want. Frequent Flyer Miles. Services. Things. Etc. Not all people would agree to it, but you don't find out unless you ask.
- Provide value in other ways. Find out what the person wants and help them get it. For coaches it might be you getting them referrals, testimonials, speaking opportunities, the list goes on.
- Money. Yes, money. What you want costs $$. That's how our current economy works, well in most places :) You want it but you don't have $$. You have the option to give up on the desire, or the option to COMMIT TO MAKING THAT MONEY to pay for the thing that you want. That is, if you really want that thing and are willing to be uncomfortable, stretch yourself, play out of the box. AKA be committed to making it happen.
That gets us to the next distinction:
How you do one thing is how you do everything
This statement I found to be very true in my experience, for anything. How you do one thing is how you do everything.
If money stops you from getting this one thing you want, it probably is a common circumstance that stops you in other situations in your life, and it probably somehow gets in the way of you living your dream. So when you are presented with a situation when you don't have enough money for something you want, you have an opportunity to breakthrough and not be a victim to money once and for all. How? That's unique to you. But I tell you this: if you get 100% committed, you'll figure out the how. There is always an abundance of ways to do it. HINT: some/most of them will be outside of your comfort zone. ;)
And another great thing about breakthroughs: if you breakthrough your limitation in one circumstance, it ripples throughout your life! And that's why when you create a breakthrough you don't just DO different, you BEcome different. And that other person is not limited by that thing anymore and in the future you won't be stopped by it. Pretty cool huh? When I discovered it, I got on a hunt for my limitations and committed to creating breakthroughs any chance I had, so use those as a fuel to become a bigger person capable of bigger things.
Money generation ideas
Let's suppose you decided: OK I am done being a victim to money, I am ready to create that breakthrough, what do I do?
Question: where do money come from?
Answer: FROM OTHER PEOPLE :)
So if you want to get money, where do you get them? That's right, from other people (or institutions, but there you ultimately get them from people too).
Why would someone give you money? Few possible cases:
- They donate/gift because they want to support you or your cause
- They loan you, they want to support you, but they want it back, possibly with interest
- They buy something from you. For that you need to offer them something they want, something that is of value to them. This something can be things, services etc.
This simple breakdown can help you define what route you want to go in creating money for what you want.
- If what you want is a great cause and you can find others who want to support you, you can get donations. Benefit here is you don't need to pay it back.
- If you want money fast and don't have an inspiring cause behind it, you can always borrow it. Options are:
- From friends and family. They may care about you and not even want interest payments.
- From acquaintances/private money (they will probably want % interest)
- From a bank: there are different lending opportunities (HELOC - secured by the property of your home, unsecured loans, 0% credit cards for 12-18 months if you have good credit etc.)
Benefit is you can get it rather fast. Drawback here is that eventually you will need to pay it back, possibly with interest. If you need money for something that is an investment (in yourself, or some other external opportunity), in some cases this might be the best option, and when you make money on that investment you can pay it back including interest.
- Sell something. Benefit of this is when you sell, you don't need to pay anything back later. It's a balanced transaction when it happens. Drawbacks: it sometimes may take longer to figure out what you can offer to other people that they would want to pay money for, and requires some effort on your end. Opportunity here is to be creative! :) And creativity comes after your full commitment!
When I volunteered as a coach within a transformational training people who really wanted to enroll in the trainings and didn't have the money (we are talking $500-$1500), but were committed, they got very creative! Here is the list of what they did to get you started with your ideas:
- Some people reached out to their friends and family and offer to cook them food for a week or a month in exchange of advance pay for the amount they needed
- some people did dog walking
- some make catered dinners for a romantic date for their friends
- some offered photography services
- others did house cleaning (cleaners in Seattle mind you get around $25-40 now, and there is no shortage of jobs)
- Some people did garage sales to get rid of just they don't need and made some cash
- some people people put better stuff of ebay
- some people asked to be hired as a personal assistant
- ran errands
- did shopping
- rented out their cars
- worked for Uber/Lyft in their free time
- rented out rooms in their homes on Airbnb.
- the list goes on…..
The key here is:
- what they wanted money for was important enough for them to hassle and step out of their comfort zone
- For many of them reaching out to friends and family saying they want help was a breakthrough on their own
- They were committed, they took it in their own hands and that's what gave them motivation and creativity
- And as a bonus: they created their breakthrough with money, even BEFORE they got to that transformational training. From then on they knew: money will never STOP them again!
So when someone says: "I want to, but I don't have money therefore I can't." Let's be real. What they really mean is usually one of the two:
- "I don't see enough value in this to justify the cost (=it's not valuable enough for me)."
- "I want to but I don't want it bad enough to commit and make it happen, I don't want to be uncomfortable or bother to figure it out and because of that I choose not to do it."
The first statement is ok. If you don't see the value for the money, you should indeed not buy it. And it's important to recognize and communicate THAT as a real reason instead of saying "I can't".
This second statement it not bad either. I am not saying we HAVE TO commit and stretch ourselves all the time we want something. What I want is for all of us to become real, at least within ourselves, that either way it's our CHOICE, and we can always choose either way.
And for the sake of transparency: of course I am not perfect, and I used to say things like that in the past a lot. :) And even these days after living with this transformational mindset for years, I still catch myself at times saying things like that. But I catch it. Sometimes right away, sometimes after the fact. And that gives me the opportunity to be real with myself and make a choice about what is more important: that thing that I really want that seems outside of my reach and discomfort that often comes with achieving it, or comfort and not wanting to do anything about it. And at different points with different things, those decision vary :)
The last distinction of responsibility I want to share with you today:
In most cases "I can't" really mean "I choose not to"
Apart from cases that are within laws of physics and gravity and some other corner cases, in most situations people use the words "I can't" as a limit to their choices, and that's a victim position in this language. In most cases they can, but for whatever reason choose not to.
Let's come back to the example of money. You want something, you don't have $$. You say "I can't buy it". Is that true? Sure you can. The world is full of credit cards and opportunities to borrow and create money through trade. If you choose not to use those channels, it's a choice.
To sum it up:
If you want to proudly say you are responsible and not a victim (most of the time):
- Replace "I can't" in your vocabulary with "I choose not to".
- If you REALLY want something, go for it, COMMIT to it, make it happen no matter what. That skill will serve you tenfold.
- Train yourself to make fast powerful decisions. Trust your intuition.
- Have fun with breakthroughs and stepping outside of your comfort zone.
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